Adventurers Almanac: Artifact Overload Everywhere!

From Volume 56, Issue No. 8 of the Adventurers Almanac comes this plea in regard to the aesthetics of the Club's entranceway:

A general announcement has been made on behalf of both the Landscaping Committee and the Artifact Committee. To put it simply, these Committees request that Members do not leave artifacts unattended in front of the Club.

Recent visitors to the Club could not help but notice many "new additions" to the Club entrance. There is, evidently, a new custom being practiced by our Members who have items they wish to submit as loans or donations to the Permanent Collection. Upon arrival at the Club, Adventurers appear to be simply leaving the trophies and acquisitions from recent expeditions on the front lawn and front stoop. While some of these are tagged or registered with Club curator, Fletcher Hodges, others are merely stacked, piled, or stuck in the ground. The aesthetic offense being taken by our more staid and traditional members, however, is nothing compared to the real danger created by this random manner of artifact warehousing.

A recent lecture scheduled on "Central African Tribal Feuds" turned into a minor tragedy as a result of our haphazard entry way decor. Lecture Committee chairman, Comdr. (Retired) Alan Glassman, had the near impossible task of calming down our hysterical guest lecturer, a Mishanti tribal chieftain named Oshubu.

Apparently a cluster of spears casually stuck in the front lawn by a thirsty Adventurer in a hurry to visit with Nash, was unknowingly placed in a configuration that symbolized a curse on Oshubu's livestock. Only after protracted apologies, pleas of ignorance, and lengthy financial negotiations was Comdr. Glassman able to convince our Ashanti visitor not to cut off the right thumb of everyone in the Club at that moment (evidently the only way to counteract the curse, according to their traditions). Needless to say, the lecture was canceled as a simple precautionary measure.

The delay and altering of the evenings activities caused further mayhem, however. Dame Mildred had come dressed for the lecture in an authentic Mishanti costume, quite fetchingly fashioned entirely out of porcupine quills. She consumed several chilled adult beverages while waiting for the evenings events and then several more than her usually liberal limit. She caused a great deal of alarm by inadvertently inflicting several nasty puncture wounds upon fellow attendees when the lecture was hastily replaced by a square dance competition.

In order to avoid further complications, we ask that no more artifacts are added to the front of the Club without first obtaining permission from Club curator, Fletcher Hodges.

Special thanks to Wade Sampson for mentioning our Adventurers Almanac series in his recent article at MousePlanet!

Adventurers Almanac: Manner Minders

From Adventurers Almanac Volume No. 54, Issue No. 1, Club President Pamelia Perkins provides a bit of fashion-related advice for the more dapper and manner-conscious thrill seekers:

PAMELIA PERKINS MANNER MINDERS

The Club motto states, "Always dress for the hunt!" I am continuously looking for ways to combine the heart-thumping excitement of adventure with the toe-tingling rush of a well designed pump. This issue I share with you, my beloved readers (and supporters in the next election), a few tips on wearing fashionable skirts in the wild, while participating in seated tribal rituals. In layman's terms: "How to squat down into a sits, without showing your private bits." Learn this simple technique and you'll never have to sacrifice modesty or appearance!

Step 1: Tuck skirt between knees
Step 2: Cross legs securely
Step 3: Rotate one full circle
Step 4: Point up and scream, "What is that large pointed object pummeling through the clouds?"
Step 5: When the tribe is distracted, drop quickly and assume a relaxed pose

Most importantly, be sure to avoid sandy areas where burrowing chiggers may be as adventurous as you are. Don't let pain become your fashion statement.

Adventurers Almanac: The Teddy Toast

As a member of the Adventurers Club, one must always adhere strictly to its many conventions of etiquette. From Volume 54 Issue No. 1, Club butler Graves refreshes us on one of the establishment's most sacred and honored traditions:

FROM THE DESK OF GRAVES
Greetings, fellow Adventurers!

In future issues, as part of my duties as Club butler, I will be discussing the etiquette involved in many of the Adventurers Club functions (Manure Diving Competition, Gator Grappling Olympics, etc.), however, it has come to my attention that many of the present membership, particularly the newer members, are avoiding, if not totally ignoring, one of our most time honored traditions, the "Teddy Toast." As the ritual indicates, upon returning to the Club after a hard day of adventuring, one should move as speedily as possible to the nearest bar or watering hole and purchase the beverage of one's choice. Moving without delay, one should wend one's way back up to the "Founders' Corner" and stand before the portrait of Teddy Roosevelt, the ultimate adventurer. You are to raise your untouched drink high to the heavens, shout "Charge!" at the top of your lungs, and drain your glass completely.

This tradition dates back to the time Bart Biffbay was stopped in that particular spot by Nashy. Nash inquired how "Bilge-Water Bart" planned to settle his extremely large and extremely delinquent bar tab. Bart replied he would charge it, to which a rather angry and redfaced Nash screamed, "Charge!?!?" "Exactly!," said Bart, downing a gin and tonic, after which Nash downed Bart. In these simple times, we need to be true to our simple traditions.

Yours ever loyally — Graves

Adventurers Almanac: Execs Award Excal

Despite its exotic nature, the Adventurer's Club remains firmly rooted in the geography of central Florida. In this entry from Volume No. 55, Issue No. 9, a somewhat mundane map of the Orlando area becomes, albeit briefly, a part of the club's permanent collection.

Execs Award Excal

We are proud to announce that the title of 'Adventurers Excalibur" has been awarded by the Executive Committee to Mary-Lou and Richard Reed in honor of their donation to the Club's Permanent Collection. Lord and Lady Reed claim the aeronautical chart which they presented to the Club was responsible for navigating them to safety, in their makeshift airplane, after they had been shipwrecked off the coast of Sumatra. The amazing aspect of this accomplishment is that this map shows only the Orlando Metropolitan area. "We just imagined what the rest of the world looked like and kept heading east!" said the plucky couple. Before their splendid gift (and winner of our last "New Artifact Contest") could be ceremonially displayed, Otis T. Wren, chairman of the Framing Committee, sadly reported that the fragile chart had mysteriously disintegrated.

The Almanac, however, has received an emergency cable from fellow member Derwin "Digger" Quimby, deep in the jungles of the Yucatan, that sheds new light on this mystery. "Digger" contacted us in order to question the significance of the word Kissimmee in the southwest corner of a map that Prof. Wren had sold him. The good Professor had claimed it was a diagram of the interior of the Great Pyramid of Chich'en Itz'a. "Digger" also wanted to know where the tombs of the high priests were in relation to "Winter Park"

Regardless of the fate of the chart, many thanks to the Reeds for their gracious gift and the best of luck to you, too, Digger, old boy, wherever you are. And remember to take your medication.

Adventurers Almanac: Missive from the Mailroom

Since posting the initial two entries in our Tales from the Adventurers Almanac series, I've had a number of readers inquire as to how one went about receiving this fun and interesting newsletter. I'll leave the explanation to Correspondence Committee member Bernice Smythe-Fenton. This appeared in Adventurers Almanac Volume No. 56, Issue No. 8:

Greetings and Salutations, fellow Members!

I cannot tell you how rewarding it is to be able to personally correspond with you clever, creative, and daring Adventurers from all over the globe. Over the past several months, we have received many fabulous updates on your expeditions. I encourage you to keep up the good work! It is your communiques back here to the Club that keep the Permanent Members, and those of us who don't get out much, abreast of the latest news. I very much enjoy my challenging and exciting task of trying to keep up with all of you. It is to that end that I feel it would be prudent to remind you of Membership Policy #7-29565.32 which explains how the Adventurers Almanac is distributed.

According to the Policy, at the point in time you go through the New Member Induction Ceremony (held twice nightly in the Main Salon), you shall receive a current copy of the Adventurers Almanac, if it is available. Your membership is valid for ONE YEAR, and you will be sent any additional issues of the Almanac printed in that one year time period. (I must confide that we have a very random publishing schedule due to the fact that Prof. Wren speculates on ink futures).

Once that one year time period has passed, however, you must renew your Membership. This, of course, entails participating in the New Member Induction Ceremony, paying your annual dues, and once again filling out a mailing address card for the Records Committee. If there is anyone out there within the sound of my typewriter whose Membership is delinquent, or if your membership is about to expire, please take this notice as a gentle reminder to come in to the Club so we may keep you on our membership rolls.

Yours in Postage,

Bernice Smythe-Fenton
Correspondence Committee

Adventurers Almanac: The Belsky Bass

How did Merriweather Pleasure come to find and purchase the land adjacent to Lake Buena Vista and name it Pleasure Island? Well, that's quite a fish story!

For the next installment in our Tales from the Adventurers Almanac series, we present an article from Volume No. 55, Issue No. 9. Club Curator Fletcher Hodges relates the true and accurate story of the Belsky Bass, one of the club's more notable trophies. Here is the that issue's Curator's Corner column:

Greetings Adventurers; Hodges here. My topic for this 'Curator's Corner" is the Belsky Bass. Now, I'm sure when you have visited the Club, you have had the dubious honor of having a conversation with the loquacious Professor Otis T. Wren. In addition to the many self-aggrandizing events he may have recounted for you, he has probably taken your valuable time to tell you of that glorious day he landed the magnificent fish that perches (pardon the pun) on the wall high above the Treasure Room. I feel duty-bound to inform you of the accurate version of how this particular, and often overlooked specimen, came to be a part of the Adventurers Club.

In 1910, Merriweather Pleasure was floating around Lake Buena Vista assessing the possible purchase of the Ferderber Peninsula. Without warning, a Belsky flung itself into his dinghy! It, of course, began doing its characteristic "Belsky Gyrations," unique to a Belsky out of water. Mr. Pleasure took the sighting of the rare Belsky Bass as such a good omen that he promptly bought the land he had been surveying and renamed it Pleasure Island. He took the fish as a pet - naming it "Sue."

There was an uncommon attachment between the two, which ultimately led to tragedy. One afternoon during the construction of the Adventurers Club, before the patio doors were installed, while Merriweather was surveying the design of the Main Salon, "Sue" spied him from the lake. Apparently longing for it's master's company, the fish did a "Belsky Leap" out of the water, ricocheted off of Zeus, and landed smack dab on a freshly painted wall towering above the Treasure Room. There she remains to this day. Thankfully, Mr. Pleasure immortalized Sue's exhuberant spirit with "Forever Fish" -a natural preservative of his creation. This has prevented the summer heat from taking its toll, if you nose what I mean.

Yours in authenticity,
Hector Pledges, uh I mean,
Fletcher Hodges, Club Curator

KUNGALOOSH!

Tales from the Adventurers Almanac

For a few years following the opening of Pleasure Island in 1989, honorary members of the Adventurers Club received by mail the Adventurers Almanac publication. In its premiere issue, club president Pamilia Perkins lamented the fact that the Permanent Members Board rejected her title suggestion of "Really Rugged Pen Pals." That first issue also featured the theme "Anniversary of Fine Feats in Aviation."

Since copies of the Adventurers Almanac have become somewhat scarce, we thought we would share with 2719 Hyperion readers some of the newsletter's colorful and enlightening articles.

Astute visitors to the Adventurers Club will likely have observed that all of the establishment's bartenders answer to the same moniker: Nash. This particular curiosity of the club relates specifically to historical figures associated with Pleasure Island. The article, "The Origin of Nash," from Adventurers Almanac Volume 54, Number 1, provides a detailed explanation:

In response to the tremendous number of requests from our members worldwide, we have traversed our files to provide an explanation of why our entire staff of mixologists bear the In early April of 1919, while probing the upper reaches of the Amazon, Merriweather Adam Pleasure, founder and original owner of Pleasure Island, came upon and befriended the well known yachtsman and adventurer Gilbert ("The Rambler") Nash. Gilbert, or "Gremlin," as he preferred to be called, had spent most of his adult life (and several fortunes) pursuing the formulas of the world's greatest elixirs.

Gilbert introduced Merriweather to several enticing mixtures, but none as wonderful or noteworthy as the native concoction which we now call simply Jungle Juice. After Merriweather returned to his beloved isle in Florida, he introduced the marvelous drink to his yachting cronies and fellow adventurers.

The original formula for Jungle Juice was quite potent and known only to Merriweather himself. Properly mixed, this elixir was widely accepted to increase strength and intelligence. However, improperly calibrated, the compound was known to become volatile, causing the recipient to become feeble-minded and clumsy. This side-effect was demonstrated by young Stewart Pleasure in the great Library fire of '29 which subsequently destroyed the only existing copy of the recipe and several of Merriweather's prized journals.

After surveying the damage to his beloved club and realizing that no man could ever hope to match the talents of Gilbert, Merriweather vowed that "from this day forth, no one but NASH will tend this bar." And so the tradition began; first with Ogden NASH, the bookish son of Gilbert, and later with Laurence NASH, credited with the first electric lemonade, to our present staff of mixologists, all descendants of the admirable Gilbert NASH himself.